OTB Caption Contest
Time the Monday OTB Caption ContestTM
Time the Monday OTB Caption ContestTM
(David Maialetti/The Philadelphia Inquirer/AP Photo) 2/23
Winners for this contest will be announced next weekend.
(David Maialetti/The Philadelphia Inquirer/AP Photo) 2/23
FILED UNDER: Uncategorized, Contests, Philadelphia
Jus’ hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da rebound on da med side.
“On a more serious note Padre…..I was framed….”
“…no thanks. They frown upon wine here and crackers dry out my mouth”
Pope: “And how did you arrive here my son?”.
Prisoner: “Well, I was a priest…”.
What we have here is a failure to excommunicate…
While these prisoners loved the pope’s smile, they were surprised that he sounds like Dracula…
The pope spends a few moments with former priests…
Q:How come these former priests aren’t allowed to wear robes?
A:So the guards can tell if they’re carrying a concealed altar boy…
“I’m the only guy in my church allowed to wear one of these Jew hats…”.
Paul Hooson apologizes if his Catholic jokes aren’t so good this week….He’s Jewish you know…
“I’m no Jackie Mason, but a seal walks into a club…”.
“Stop me of you heard this one, but a seal walks into a bar. The bartender tells him, “We don’t get many seals in here”. The seal looks around and says, “Yes, and at these prices you won’t get many more…”.
Inmate: “The really guilty one is Paul.”
Francis: “Who son?”
Inmate: “Exactly.”
“I’m no Soupy Sales, but a priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar…”.
Outside The Beltway….Where Paul Hooson gets to recycle his 60 years of jokes one more time…
“Do you have a favorite sports team Holy Father?”
“…The Padres..”.
“Father, I’m not Catholic, and I don’t know much about your traditions, but do you have any cream cheese for those crackers?”.
“Who son”…..hahahhahahahhahhaha
“Father, in all due respect I think I’m going to be a Hindu. They believe in reincarnation. A fiend has a deceased uncle and he tells me where he’s at he wakes up, eats, has sex, eats some more, has more sex, eats again, has more sex…”.
“That can’t be Hell my son”‘.
“No, he’s a bull in Montana…”.
“Father, I ended up here because I never wanted to obey my mother. She begged me to get out of bed and go to church. But, I used to tell her, “Ma, I don’t want to go to mass…”.
“What did she say to you my son?”
“Well, I asked her to give to give two good reasons to get out of bed and go to mass. She said, “Well, one, I’m your mother. And, two, you’re the priest…”.
WELCOME BACK FATHER…
“How did you end up here Norman Bates…”
“Well, I was normal kid until my hired a butler. And then anger issues set in…”
“But, how did that so anger you?”
“Well, everytime I was in front of my friends he called me Master Bates…”
“And, what do you intend to do when you’re released from prison in a few days my son?”.
“Work for Hillary Clinton…”.
“What crime did you commit to end here my son?”.
“Well, I was in court and I took the stand…”.
“I can get you that pardon, but I’m sorry son, baring a miracle the Eagles’ season is shot.”
How do address both a prisoner and Hillary Clinton?
Will the defendant please rise…
“Father, please remember me when you’re gone!”
“Son, I say unto you today, you shall be in the shower, and drop the soap, and be in paradise…”.
Pope Francis visits the US delegation of the College of Cardinals, currently housed at Rikers Island.
Pope “…LMAO….the miracle of all miracles still doesn’t get the Lions to cover against the Seahawks”.
“You’re forgiven, and you’re forgiven and you’re forgiven – everyone is forgiven!!!” But no new cars. Seriously, you guys are in prison.
“Father, you know the mind of God. Do the castaways ever make it off GILLIGAN’S ISLAND?”
“Son, I hear that other prisoners like to avoid you because you joined an unpopular gang while here in prison…”
“Yes, the Jehovah’s Witnesses…
“I’m sorry I’m a little disappointed father, but when Oprah visited she at least had prizes under the seats…”.
Murderers, thieves, Trappists…
The pope asked the convicted priest how “he ended up in prison”. So he starts to explain, “Oh boy…”.
You’re looking mighty fine in that dress.
“I have sinned your holiness.”
“….just what do you wish to confess.”
“I drew cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad.”
“God forgives you, Je Suis Charlie.“
“Your Holiness, please help us. Michelle Obama has put us on a new diet.”
“Stop me if you heard this one, but an Italian family has a housefire. They didn’t make it out alive. They stayed to finish dinner…”.
“I once lived in a town so small, the police station had a screen door. The pizza boy’s AMC Gremlin pizza delivery car had to pull double duty as the police car. The police dog was a chihuahua…..Hey, thanks a lot folks! I’ll be here headlining all weekend. Tell your friends and drive safely…”.
A captive audience?
(Whisper) “Father, may I have your necklace? It fits the lock on my cell door.”
When the Bible says “The Truth will set you free”, that doesn’t mean your sentence will be shortened to time served, no.
“Father, did Jesus ever get angry?”.
“Yes, one time he was cross…”.
The media were surprised and moved by the Pope’s impromptu rendition of “Folsom Prison Blues”
While in Philadelphia, the Pope met with a group of former Eagles players.
COOL HAND ST. LUKE
Francis: “Now I’d like to sing you a song that has comforted me so much in the past.”
♬
Strobe lights beam create dreams
walls move minds to do
on a warm San Francisco night
old child young child feel alright
on a warm San Francisco night
angels sing leather wings
jeans of blue Harley Davisons too
on a warm San Francisco night
old angels young angels feel alright
on a warm San Francisco night.
♬
“what’s your prison bitch name?”
Unemployed men getting their blessing! Soon to be joined by John Boehner.
Little help here Father? Any direction from the top on my Fan Duel lineup this week?
All Latin Americans found in the US will serve time.
No exceptions.
I’m Donald Trump, and I approve this message.
Pope Francis: “Are you a Christian, my son?”
Prisoner: “I am today, father. I am today.”
“Well, goodbye fellas! I’m off to see that “Kentucky Half Baked Clerk” next. I’m sure glad that Scott Walker is managing my publicity here. He has a lot of time on his hands right now…”.
Pope: “You have hair on the palm of your hand, my son. Are they not treating you well?”
“Pick a card. Any card. Ok, is this your one? Ok, how about this one? Ok, what about this one?..”
“Ok, for my next trick I’m going to meet with Kim Davis and my popularity will disappear..”.
“What did you do before you turned to crime and ended up in prison?”
“I worked in the coffee business, but it was just a grind…”.
Pope: “Well Paul Hooson. See what happens to you when you continue with the lame jokes?”
The Pope meets with Kentucky County Clerk Kim Davis and her legal team.
Later that same day, Pope Francis met with the other kind of prisoner. Prisoner of conscience, Kim Davis.
Prisoner: “Forgive me, father. For I have sinned.”
Pope: “Yes, I know. We all know. That’s why you’re in here. That’s why you’re in here.”
Pope: “So why are you in here?”
Prisoner#1: “Rape.”
Pope: “I’ll pray for you, my son.”
Pope: “So why are you in here?”
Prisoner#2: “Murder.”
Pope: “I’ll pray for you, my son.”
Pope: “So why are you in here?”
Prisoner#3: “I refused to issue marriage licenses to gay couples out of my religious convictions.”
Pope: “Good luck with that.”
“I’m no Jackie Mason, but a Polish family has a housefire. The first thing they rescue is the kielbasas…”.