Grieving For A Country
Let's take a moment to recognize our grief, and what it means.
We only grieve for the things we love. Today, those of us who love America – the United States as a noble idea, and the mechanisms designed to bring that ideal into reality, however imperfectly – are grieving.
To be fair, many of us were already grieving before Election Day, even if we didn’t realize it. Anticipatory grief is just as powerful as grief after the horrible fact, but we talk about it far less. When your loved one is getting ever closer to the abyss, you can start experiencing extremely powerful denial. It’s impossible that your loved one could actually die from cancer, the guardrails of modern medicine are too sophisticated and capable to allow that outcome. Fascism and authoritarianism aren’t on the march, a cancer of both politics and the spirit to which other nations might have succumbed, but not us. No decent person could choose someone that repugnant, a living embodiment of all Seven Deadly Sins, a person already proven to be corrupt, friendly to dictators, mendacious beyond all measure, and willing to tear down the Constitution and the rule of law in broad daylight.
But that is, of course, exactly what happened. And it wasn’t something anonymous, like a disease or an accident, that is killing the thing we love. It was other people choosing to kill it. They saw the walking moral pustule that is Donald Trump, and they decided they liked him better Kamala Harris. Catastrophe has a human face, one that we will continue to live with, every day after this one.
Of course, you could have said the same thing in 2016, but now, Trump’s awfulness is not a counterfactual. We don’t have to speculate what will happen when he is installed in the Oval Office. He has already shown us, and told us what he will do this time.
Anticipatory grief can also make you highly productive. You do everything you can to diagnose the reasons for what may lay ahead. You do everything you can think of, no matter how desperate it may seem, to prevent harm from befalling the person or thing you love. But when the terrible moment comes, all that stops. We don’t know what to do next. After having animated by our duty to prevent the awfulness, we become unmoored.
The difficulty imaging what we should be doing with ourselves is a major reason why grief doesn’t take a predictable path. We might say or do incredibly stupid things. We might blame ourselves for the tragedy (If only I had done this one thing…). We might find it impossible to imagine how to live now. We might pretend that the world can return to the former definition of normal. We might anesthetize ourselves to the pain of loss. We might get stuck in that pain, constantly poking the same inflamed nerve over and over again.
The natural question, of course, is What do we do now? We’ll be discussing today, and many days to come, what the right strategy is, at a personal or national scale. Before we do that, however, we should recognize that we are grieving. We should not grieve alone, nor do we need to. We should not act alone, nor do we need to.
Before all the eye-rolling responses come in, I just wanted to say that this resonates with me. It almost certainly will resonates with many other people who make up the multitudes of different views and stances within the US.
I appreciate using the frame of grief. I also think it’s worth thinking about things in terms of little “t” trauma as well.
In both cases, clinically speaking, one of the worst things you can do is to avoid naming and experiencing whatever it is you are feeling. While experiencing those feelings is a challenge, avoiding/suppressing/denying them leads you down far worse paths.
This resonates for me in a quite personal way.
About 10 years ago, after a very strange evening and a night in the ER, my wife of 30 years was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She had surgery the following day, radiation+chemo for six weeks starting soon thereafter, and chemo for another year.
I did, as you say, everything I could to hold off the worst. The good news is that it all worked, and she’s still with me, and has been in remission so long, they mostly don’t want to see her any more.
The bad news about this is it likely feeds the idea that I can accomplish anything. As a statement out loud, it’s ridiculous. And yet sometimes I carry the weight of it emotionally.
I’ve lived in too many places, been too many different things, to identify with or as, anything. Except that I am a citizen of the United States. The humiliation of my country cuts deep. This is the third great sin of the United States – ethnic cleansing of the Indians, slavery, and now fascist national suicide.
No amendment is absolute and qualified immunity.
Let us see if Republicans pass a Law Enforcement Bill of Rights codifying Federal agent immunity for civil lawsuits from the Federal Tort Claims Act (FTCA) statute to State/Local police into law.
@Paul L.:
If the Constitution is overthrown do you actually imagine that a fascist government will keep the 2d Amendment?
Calm down. It’s four fucking years.
And the Presidency is severely limited in actual actions available.
We’ll get through this kinda okay, hopefully.
@Michael Reynolds:
I look forward to Republicans pushing universal background checks and mandatory gun buybacks just like the Democrats.
The Democrats will vote not to certify the count of the Electoral College ballots during a joint session of the United States Congress, pursuant to the Electoral Count Act.
A 15-member Electoral Commission (headed by legal juggernaut luminaries of Laurence Tribe, Glenn Kirschner, Liz Cheney, Alberto Gonzales, George Conway) will give the Presidency to Harris as occurred with the Electoral disputes and Compromise of 1877 also known as the Wormley Agreement, the Bargain of 1877, or the Corrupt Bargain .
@de stijl:
You’re naive. Trump has a free pass to do whatever he likes without fear of impeachment or prosecution. He’ll have a supine and obedient Congress and Supreme Court, meaning he will control all three branches of government. It’s not going to be kinda okay.
@de stijl: Given the Republican sweep yesterday, the state of the Supreme Court, and the well-trodden historical trajectory we’re on, forgive me if I don’t find “ We’ll get through this kinda okay, hopefully,” to be less than reassuring.
For the first time in some 30 years after becoming politically aware as a teenager, I think I’m going to seriously avoid national and some international news. I have no power over the outcomes and it has too much power to take over my brain space. Instead, I will focus on my local community and get involved with projects and organizations that actually help, in spite of national trends. I have a daughter who will ask, what did you do? And I want to have something to tell her beyond grieving for a country.
@de stijl:
Going by what Trump and his people keep saying, and the Republicans controlling essentially all three branches of government, I doubt everything we’ll be kind of ok for a lot of people.
But I guess that’s not the concern of the majority of Americans
I had no plans to comment here ever again but then I saw this article.
It’s okay to grieve after an election. I’m not here to gloat – my candidate didn’t win either, even though I didn’t expect it because he was a write-in. The country isn’t where I want it to be. But it’s just been demonstrated that you, your assumptions, and your media sources were wrong about the Iowa poll, the reaction to the MSG rally, the conventions, the impact of Dobbs, who knows how far back if you thought Harris was going to win big. Find comfort in how you may be wrong about the electorate and what motivates them too, and even wrong about what a second Trump term will be like. there are millions of people who aren’t much worse or more ignorant than you who may be right about the next four years. You’re surrounded by people who are better than you realize.
@Fortune: Sadly, you’re completely wrong about me. I didn’t think the Iowa poll was a reliable weather vane. I wasn’t confident that the Madison Square Garden rally was going to disgust enough voters to make a difference. I felt that Dobbs did make a difference, but again, maybe not enough. And it’s a courageous leap from my statement that voters saw Trump’s awful qualities and picked him anyway to my assessment of why they did that.
I am the Uncle to three nieces (2 on my brother’s side, 1 on my sister’s side) so I really hope that even the GOP feels a national abortion ban (or even worse, a ban on contraception) is a bridge too far. A national ban would mean that CA is no longer a safe space for my brother and sister’s kids.
I decided that I pretty much knew Trump would be announced the winner today, so I went to sleep extra early last night, and this morning I work from home (I have a hybrid schedule) so I took the opportunity to sleep in a bit more before starting work. I looked at some blogs like this one, let out a sigh and just continued with my day. Getting a nice commissionable upsell on the books today with help from a colleague is a great distraction.
I already put up my artificial Christmas tree (with embedded led multi-color lights), and I will be putting up my nativity set soon to keep me in a festive mood. Finally, I noticed that Sirius XM’s Holiday channels went live, so I just got through listening to Jingle Bell Rock by Hall and Oates and Taylor Swift’s cover of White Christmas is playing in the background of my apt.. Speaking of White Christmas, I will be watching the 4K of White Christmas soon enough as it was delivered from Amazon yesterday, and I watched a youtube from a married couple who participated in the restoration of this classic film, should be quite the treat to watch.
Getting myself into the festive mood has been accomplished.
Trump’s election is not worth the effort I would need to put into generating wracking sobs over his win, my father passed away a bit over a year back, and he was beyond worth the amount of grief that spilled out of me when standing over his final resting place in Eternal Valley in Newhall, CA. Again, Trump…not so much.
I guess I am quietly grieving by letting Holiday distractions and work keep me from letting Trump take up too much space in my head.
According to the NYT, Harris has called Trump to concede.
@Fortune:
Laughable.
The country just voted to treat my daughter like an enemy within for the crime of being who she is. The country just voted to abandon all our friends and allies and serve the will of Vladimir Putin and his new best friend, Kim Jong Un. The country elected a man who threatens his opponents with arrest by the army. The country just elected a rapist.
Good people don’t give power to rapists.
@Michael Reynolds:
@Kingdaddy:
Disagree. And I am a bit naive. But I think you’re very naive, too.
Fascism in 2024 America would plod along pretty slowly unless they just kill all the judges.
I do think we will outlast itl. I sincerely hope so. It’s four measly years. Bureaucracy moves slowly. There are many lower courts that will rule on law and precedent.
Y’all are being too Chicken Little “the sky is falling”. The government as a whole is quite resilient and moves quite slowly. There are other, lower courts rather than the Supreme. They rule first.
We’ll be fine-ish mostly. I am naive. I believe that most people do good things for the right reasons. And you are underestimating the decency, kind-heartedness and just damn stubborness of many, most Americans.
If Trump goes there, there will be massive demonstrations and civil disobedience.
If Trump goes full Hitler, it’ll get throttled. 1. His team will try to talk him down. 2. The bureaucracy will slow walk it and call in lawyers to vet the orders to see if it is legal. Courts, judges, arguments. 3. I don’t know, but a three seemed needed.
If Trump goes full Hitler he has to kill 60-70% of all judges.
I don’t know about you, but if that happens I’m gonna be a street warrior in that instance.
Trump is too dumb to be effective at basically anything. Appointees and Project 2025 dudes will try to abuse the system.
Hero folks will emerge. “I work at DOJ and Minister Musk tried to get me to sign off on a political assassination of Judge X and I refused. Here’s the screenshots of the texts. ” I refuse x3. Paramore Misery Business.
We’ll get through this. No prob. (I hope).
I really hope things don’t go so bad that I have to be a street fighter for basic democratic justice. My left knee meniscus is dodgy and randomly objects to basic movement, walking, turning. My back hurts 24/7. My booty, my thighs. I’d be slow.
But I can chuck a can of beans or tuna at an advancing police line behind shields if necessary. No prob. I could do that. Too old and slow to be frontline.
I’m too old to be a street fighter. I can pitch in. Logistics. Databases.
I believe in resiliency and decency. Not every federal worker will knuckle under.
I argue that the system is more resilient. Checks and balances. It’d be a slow march and rightfully checked at every turn.
If push comes to shove I’ll be a street fighter. I’d definitely fight for that.
I am not so much grieving as in hoping to see the karma and the reap what you sow moments. Maybe I feel a mix of confusion, contempt and that feeling you get when you find a bug crawling on you.
@de stijl:
History suggests people knuckle under. But I don’t want to try to argue you out of optimism. Hope, contrary to cynics, is more rational than despair or indifference.
@Michael Reynolds:
I wish I was naive. It would make things easier.
I’ll be fine. I’m a white man with a bit of money to weather hard times, and everyone who meets me assumes I am straight due to a tragic lack of swish.
But a lot of other people won’t be.
Let him have his naivety for a bit.
I hope Beth is okay.
@Jc:
I’m embarrassed to admit anticipating with some amusement watching Trumpers reliant on the Affordable Care Act scramble if it’s repealed in the next few years, as promised.
Of course, this is illiberal and selfish, as I have high end private insurance. And non-Trumpers would lose coverage, too.
But, yes, I’ll feel schadenfreude at a little reapage and sowage.
@Dutchgirl:
Well said and good on ya!
@Michael Reynolds:
LOL Keep the juvenile hysteria to a minimum. Else go onto tick tok or whatever they call it and make a teen girl video.
@Michael Reynolds:
Smoke some weed, man.
Thank you for a beautiful article that that helps me understand my numbness.
I am filled with rage, but to express it to those with whom I am angry is futile. The pundits’ conclusion that Trumpism is reaction to elitism seems to indicate that elites (those who value education and to be self-sufficient in our dog-eat-dog economy) should willingly march into the New Dark Ages. The hypocrisy of “Christians” who support Trump and their naked desire for theocracy in which they call the shots for Others is nauseating. And then those who supported January 6 but then pipe up after the election, “Let’s all be united Americans,” made me want to punch the computer display.
Acknowledging my grief for the American ideals that have been shattered in the last decade is healthy first step, although I did most of my grieving in 2016. Now that I think of it, Trump being re-elected reminds me of my father being placed on hospice for a second time. (He eventually was placed on hospice four times).
I plan to suck up, think about why I’m tend to mutter “Well, f**k, under my breath, try to find charity in my heart towards those who seem to have none except for their “tribe,” and continue to invest in the activities that will give my last decades of life some small measure of meaning.
Yesterday I volunteered. I felt like I was playing a part in a play in which I was pretending to be normal with everyone else while the world shifted under our feet. But it was a hopeful activity and what I needed.