Military Dispatch From The Very Near Future
"There's a lot of commander coming."
October 14, 2025
Marine Corps Museum, Quantico, Virginia
Secretary of War Pete Hegseth:
Warriors—many of you traveled thousands of miles to be here. I won’t waste your time. Your efforts defendi—warring the—no—defending, yes, defending and warring this nation are too crucial for anyone—even your very own fit, squared-jaw Secretary of War—to treat lightly. I respect God and Scripture too much to dare waste your time.
We gather to celebrate and to caution. Two weeks ago we declared Liberation Day against wokeness and fat. And since that time we’ve made remarkable progress instilling Warrior Culture in the Department of War. Evidence of forward motion is everywhere. “Department of War” has replaced “Department of Defense” on several recruitment posters. Our courageous warriors have quarantined Voodoo Donuts in Portland. We have blessed the Pentagon’s 3rd Story with Pastor Doug Wilson’s newest church plant. It’s beautiful! We’re raking in thousands on our Department of War and Charlie Kirk merch in the gift shop. Generals and admirals worldwide are getting back in the gym. As Rommel said: survival of the fittest goes to the fittest.
We aim to be like Rommel.
We knew the transition wouldn’t be seamless. I’ve heard on reputable grounds there are intra-staff disputes about the acceptability of certain physical training regimens. I will say this clearly and directly, and only this once: Pilates is unacceptable! Pilates is a girl workout meant to strengthen girl cores. The military is male–not gay male, but male male. I’m aware some of President Trump’s predecessors allowed girl generals and admirals, but let me remind you, today is Liberation Day. No pilates. Whether you are male or a girl, moving forward the only acceptable form of exercise is lifting and running the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. For warriors recuperating from shrapnel wounds, CrossFit is acceptable physical therapy.
I’ve also heard a rumor—which I pray to be false–that there are warriors who practice yoga. Yoga is a demonic religious exercise predicated on a false theology; it’s demonic spirituality cloaked in an attractively bendy body. If anyone in uniform is caught or known to be practicing yoga, let me be crystal clear: F-A-F-O. And if that is not clear, let me be even crystal-er clear: you’ll be discharged.
I close with what should never have to be said. By nature and Scripture alike–but mostly Scripture–it was, is, and always will be, gravely wrongful for our glorious and ferocious military machine to have girl generals and admirals. Girls are for breeding and mothering, not warring. Looking across this glorious room of warriors I see faces of girls that should be at home cooking or nursing children or—well okay, no, I can now see you’re no longer of breeding age. Ewww. But still, you should be home grandmothering. That’s why President Trump and I have installed a gold-plated retirement package to incentivize immediate retirement. It’s called Mothers Are Necessary—or MAN.
And one more point for military girls: I encourage you to continue your yoga practices openly and publicly.
Allow me now to introduce the President of the United States—President Donald J. Trump!
Silence
President Trump:
Thank you, Pete. Inspiring speeches. He’s a looker, Pete is. I have a talent for choosing just the right…I’ve been told many times I would make an excellent casting director. Pete–he’s doing a heck of a job, am I right—Secretary Pete F-A-F-O Hegseth? I’m going with Pete fafo Hegseth.
Silence
Can you imagine Patton doing…I can’t agree more about Pilates. Pi-la-tes. Fun to say but don’t do it. Don’t say it. Pete’s right. Not a good word. It’s a bad word. Maybe the second P-word. Did you know that? Two P-words. The first P-word is a wonderful word. Beautiful word. Woke media tried to ruin me for saying it. Beautiful word. Now there’s a second P-word. We are declaring victory against Woke.
Silence
Gloomy bunch. If I wanted the silent treatment, I’d eat dinner at home. It’s okay to applaud.
Silence
Funny. My advisors…I’ve got the best advisors… tell me I’m the Commander-in-Chief and you’re required to do as I say. Anyone want to applaud now?
Scattered polite applause.
Pete, have you explained “commander” to the fellas? They don’t seem to get it. Commander. I commander, you clap. Simple. Were our Founding Fathers great or what? Commander—what makes my office the hottest office. Congress can’t commander. Courts wish they could commander.
Let me tell you a little secret. We’re going to have a lot of commander soon. Very soon. A LOT. People have no idea. Very exciting. You people are going to be a big big part of it. Woke is dead and commander is hot again. Commander is going back to WWII levels of hotness, but this time for free and at home!
No details now, but we’re going to commander all over this country, all of our war-ravaged cities. Portland donuts are just the start. I’ll soon be commandering Memphis and El Paso and Chicago. Can’t forget Chicago. Extreme liberals said, oh look, he forgot about Chicago. He’s feeble. He’s weak. Wrong! Haven’t forgotten. I don’t forget anything… we’re going to commander Chicago hard and fast and they won’t know what hit them. Awful city. Dirty dirty city.
Chi-ca-go. The real C-word, if you think about it. You know who comes from Chicago, don’t you? President O-bahm-ah. No surprise. Nothing more Chicago than Obama. He lives in Chicago, but you know he wasn’t born there, right? Have you heard that? Can you believe it? My sources tell me Obama was born in Kenya. Or Tanzania. Tan-sa-nee-ya! Shitholes. But fun to say. Say it with me, folks: Tan-sa-nee-ya!
Silence
Anyway, there’s a lot of commander coming. Get ready. Don’t do pilates.
May God bless Am—oh, nearly forgot to say that my signature is real. Not fake like Sleepy Joe’s. Poor man. Slobbering mess. They conducted a witch hunt against me.
May God bless America.
Silence
OK, your parody of their words, but Rommel? Works for me. Rommel ended up, literally as it turned out, supporting the plot against his autocratic leader.
Hilarious because it is so close to reality; scary because it is so close to reality. Too bad the shutdown will knock this public display of Trump’s rapidly increasing dementia off the proverbial front page.
@gVOR10: Ha! Nice catch. I was too clever by half, as one of my colleagues likes to say.
I did a literal lol at the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art line!
Well done.
In something of a coincidence, I happened upon this video about a Blue Angels event in 1998. Some points:
1. It is a fundraiser for a charity intended to help treat PTSD and other aid to veterans. In describing that charity, they reference a living space with a fire pit where veterans can go and talk about “what a bad day they had” and get support.
2. I don’t think I can identify a single job among all the people I see in this video where being a hard-body muscleman matters in the slightest. Focus, discipline, and expertise all matter a lot. But being big and beefy doesn’t matter at all.
3. When the pilot narrating talks about the pilot in the video, who was his commander, he talked about his former CO’s humility, and concern for every sailor. “The best CO I ever had”.
This, apparently, is what Pete Hegseth despises and wants to get rid of.
FWIW, I think Rommel was an excellent choice here. For one thing, it’s probably the only name of a Wehrmacht general these guys know. And they probably aren’t aware of his participation in the plot against Hitler, or maybe think that doesn’t pertain to them.
Do they, in fact, know who Field Marshall Gerd von Rundstedt was, or what role he took fighting the Allies.
Or do they know who Heinz Guderian (the inventor of blitzkrieg) was? Or how critical his ideas (not his physical fitness!) were in defeating Poland and France? And the Soviet Union in 1942, if not later.
I think no.
The parody of Trump’s remarks (I refuse to call them a “speech”) was too coherent. Unlike the real thing, it sort of developed an argument. Random praise of battleships and a 1950s TV series would have improved it, along with celebration of the massive Gulf of America win over the fake enemy media.