Good Advice For A Somber Day
Sometimes all we have is the choice of how we react to events.
Photograph by Jonno Rattman for the New Yorker.
Despite all of Elon Musk’s efforts to ruin improve the platform formerly known as Twitter, there are still a number of great people on it. One whom I often draw inspiration from is Patrick Skinner. For those unfamiliar with him, Skinner served as a case officer at the Central Intelligence Agency, handling foreign intelligence sources during the “War on Terror.” He later transitioned to policing, becoming a beat cop and then a homicide detective in Savannah, Georgia. He has written and spoken against the rise of the “warrior cop” and the militarization of police forces. Beyond his reflections on supporting his neighbors, his Twitter feed documents his garden, his growth as a cook, and the complicated social comings and goings of the many, many animals in his family’s lives.
This morning, Patrick’s tweet put words to something I was feeling but didn’t have the words for:
Sometimes the only agency we have is found in how we react to events unfolding around us. I’d encourage everyone to spend a bit of time reflecting on how you are choosing to react to things and be curious about why you are choosing that response.
Applying this to OTB, I also want to add another piece of advice/truism:
You cannot win a fight in a comment thread or on social media.
Or perhaps more accurate to human emotions: in online spaces, you cannot make someone else shut up. That truth is something I have to remind myself about a lot–especially since I’m very susceptible to “someone is wrong on the internet.” The reality is that if said person is ok with being wrong, then nothing you can do in a given moment will change that.
The good news is that Patrick’s advice reminds us that we can choose not to expend any more effort on those people.
Stay safe everyone.
Personal note: I had an unexpected appendectomy at the start of July. The recovery has been a bit rocky, hence why I haven’t been around much. Looking forward to rejoining the conversation. I just wish it was under better circumstances.
May your rocks be cleared.
@Gustopher:
It’s far better out than in. And I wasn’t prepared to learn that most appendectomies, mine included, were caused by… well… poop-rocks.
All well said.
An excellent reminder, thank you for the post.
@Matt Bernius: And, I get to say I’ve learned something new today. I hope you are feeling better and are back to 100% soon.
Great comments. Those who have witnessed, experienced, and participated in killing and death are usually the ones who abhor it the most.
I hope you have a speedy recovery! My daughter had an emergency appendectomy last year and it was not a pleasant experience for her.
I quit Twitter, and so I very much appreciate you sharing Patrick’s wisdom. I miss him. And glad you are in better health!
I’ve often thought that the decision to be cruel is very much a conscious choice, and a deliberate one. Cruel people are gratified by being cruel to others.
Thank you for this post, Matt. Very Viktor Franklian.
If I may, I would extend it to say that when we repeatedly make the the choice to be angry/bitter/calm/kind [also, sneering/cynical/generous/open], it becomes less and less of a choice each time.
It transitions into a cognitive-emotional habit. A self-sustaining and contagious one at that.
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Sorry to hear your recovery has been difficult. And as someone in the biz, I’m especially sorry to hear about your pain experience. Sending analgesic and healing thoughts your way. And with intention.
@Matt Bernius: Thanks for this post. Heal up quickly.
@CSK: I know someone who is well beyond retirement age and almost certainly is financially quite well off. Further, this person does not seem to really enjoy their job. When I was discussing this person and why they don’t just retire with a colleague of mine it was asserted that if they retired they would have no one to be cruel to. A second person offered the same theory in a separate conversation.
It is truly sad on a number of levels.
Myself? I’ve been checking out. I skim the news, passing over anything about Biden or trump, Project 2025, the seditious six, the ongoing criminal enterprise that is the GOP, etc etc etc. I’ve been in anger management counseling for almost a year and one thing I have learned is that sometimes the best thing I can do for myself is avoid my triggers. I also skip over the overly political posts here and at BJ because it’s just better for me.
Hoping the road to recovery smooths out for you Matt.
@OzarkHillbilly:
I totally understand that. I sometimes just read the posts and skip the comments when I know that someone will probably set me off.
I am hoping to start contributing some less political tense posts soon.
BTW, I always appreciate your contributions.
And thank you to you, and everyone else, for the well wishes. Things are going much more smoothly now and I was lucky in that we caught this before the appendix had fully ruptured.
@Steven L. Taylor:
Indeed. Bullies enjoy being bullies. That’s why they bully.
@mattbernius:
Good. Take care, and recover speedily.
@Mimai:
I agree. Building on lessons from Miriam Kaba, I have come to see choosing hope and kindness as a discipline more than anything else. And it needs to be practiced.
@Steven L. Taylor:
It is a really sad existence. And sadly a lot of people chose that path. I suspect that much of that choice comes down to a way to cope with past pain and insecurities. Sadly, certain environments–and I think academia is one of them–often end up reproducing that behavior across generations of people.