As only it can, The Onion sums up what has been a really crappy week:
“Seriously, can we wrap this up already?” Maryland resident James Alderman told reporters, echoing the thoughts of all 311 million Americans, who have just about reached their weekly goddamned quota for carnage, misery, confusion, heartbreak, and rage. “Because, you know, I’m pretty sure we’ve all had our hearts ripped out of our chests and stomped on enough times for one seven-day period, thank you very much.”
“Man oh man,” Alderman added, shaking his head. “Can you believe this? Can you honestly believe the kind of piece-of-shit week we’re having here?”
According to a new poll by the Pew Research Center, when reached for comment on this week, 93 percent of Americans responded “Okay, enough’s enough here, you have seriously got to be kidding me with this week,” with 84 percent saying “Is it Sunday yet? What? How in the hell are we only at Thursday? What the hell is going on?” and 100 percent of Americans responding “No, no, go ahead, just pile some more horrific shit on this hellish shitshow of a week. Have at it.”
I’m beginning to think there’s something about the third week of April that lends itself to this.
Just consider this:
- April 15, 2013 — Boston Marathon Bombings
- April 17, 2007 — Virginia Tech Shootings
- April 17, 2013 — Explosion at Fertilizer plant in West, Texas kills at least 35
- April 19, 1993 — FBI/ATF raid on Waco Branch Davidian Compound
- April 19, 1995 — Alfred E.. Murrah Building (Oklahoma City, OK) destroyed in terror attack
- April 19, 2013 — Boston shutdown as authorities search for at-large terrorist
- April 20, 1999 — Mass Shooting at Columbine High School
Maybe next year we should all just take the week off.
